Finally Blonde

The least thing I would expect out of my career is this: I would be a cheerleader.

You see, the annual lawyer’s tournament is coming up and I will be competing in the volleyball, basketball, and futsal games. The depth of our dedication is worthy of medals (or similar bling, or a pay raise…), because every single week now there is always some sort of practice or friendly warm-up match with other firms, which involves sneaking out at 7 pm and, when unlucky, trudging back in to work at 10 pm.

I am all too happy to comply. The thought of a sedentary life frightens me pitifully, and chasing balls? I love chasing balls. Yesterday I chased down a volley ball like life depended on it. My team mate was busy guarding the net, she hadn’t seen the ball flying short of her back, and it was too late to warn her. It was too far and too late to run. I lunged over with my outstretched arm and minimum hope. I slipped my wrist beneath the ball, inches from the sand, swung my arm upwards and spun my body sideways to minimize impact. Sand was flying in all directions as I hit the ground and I felt the ball move too far sideways. I forced myself back on my feet, blinking the sand out of my eyes, and saw my teammate save the ball. It swung beautifully over the net, missing it by mere milimeters. The team scored and cheers surged in a sudden single chorus. I felt incredible!

*Pause*

I’m digressing. What has this got to do with cheerleading, you ask? Well, apparently there’s also a cheerleading tournament for the opening, and guess what? Yours truly gets to cheerlead.

Wearing tights.

And pom-poms.

And be lifted by the guys in the closing act. Because, the choreographer said, I’m the right size. I almost cried. I’m finally blonde! (at least for approx. 10 minutes).

Weekend

On Friday night after work I hung out with my friends at De Hooi, a pub down in Pondok Indah which I only just discovered. We sat on high little stools at a high little table while the waitress, cleavaged and mascara-ed, took our orders. In a small corner the DJ was churning out some really good progressive tunes, and the other customers were casual and unpretentious. Without needing to look my best or be visually assaulted by big-haired and blinged ladies-who-lunch (and dine), the focus was on our merry little group. We talked of scandals and future plans and gossip and nothing which connected with anything. I had entirely too much beer.

On Saturday night I went out with bf and together we went to Daiso, a Japanese thrift store in the middle of one the ugliest malls in Jakarta: Mall Artha Gading. We ignored everything else and made a straight beeline for the store, in conquest of a certain item: the prosperity cat. The Chinese have waving ones with cheap glittery-gold skin. The Japanese have pretty porcelain ones in different colours, but their paws can’t wave. We argued for a good half hour about whether it is absolutely crucial for their paws to wave at all. Fortunately, our arguments were drowned out by the storekeepers incessantly yelling at the top of their lungs: “IRASHAIMASE!! ONE PRICE KUDASAI!! 20.000 RUPIAH DES!!” Bf ended up buying a tie-rack. I ended up trying hard to come up with a reason to buy a vintage-ish Japanese gasoline can. Sadly, I couldn’t come up with any. We are still in conquest of a porcelain cat that can wave.

On Sunday morning I had breakfast with my brother at Bread ‘n Breakfast, an American Diner at Kemang. We went all the way down South from the North, because when a sandwich crave hits, it hits us really hard. The place was light and airy and the sandwiches (okay, we also had a burger… and a lot of potato wedges) were very decent. We spent the morning reading the available magazines (Harper’s Bazaar), and I discovered that: (1) My cousin’s girlfriend is a socialite, (2) My former junior in high school is now a beauty reporter for Bazaar, and (3) My ex-boss’ ex-wife is a Jean-Paul-Gaultier-launch-party-attending fashionista. I said to my bro:

“Omigod. I know (people who know) like a dozen people in here. That means I’m only two steps away from making it to the glossy pages.”

My brother solemnly nodded and said he was happy for me.

On Sunday afternoon I woke up after a long afternoon nap. I thought how, at this point, how perfectly balanced my life is. The thing is, that thought only comes on the weekends :(

Pause.

I can find no solace tonight
From the demons under my bed at night
I watch myself as I unwind
Outside myself I watch my mind

Will it be possible to sleep tonight?
Those demons noisy in a fight
I know I must be losing mind
Seeing myself turn slowly blind

Through sparks and shining dragons tonight
As I lie in bed with my head in tights
Turning cogs and screws of the kind
That make me hope that I can find

The answer to this mess tonight.
Before the sun starts shining bright.
Before I leave this all behind.
Before my youth I cannot find.

My Daily Struggle

I fear, I must confess,
I must get this off my chest,
For I have been the biggest fool,
When it comes to glorious food.

Noodles and burgers I think are the best,
Sushi and pasta I constantly quest,
Barbequed fish always makes me drool,
What’s worse, I’m always in the eating mood!

But the client pays, shouldn’t I care less?
I deserve to indulge, indeed, oh yes.
With all the work that I accrue,
A tasty meal would surely do?

This is indeed the ultimate test,
To stand my guard, to not digress,
For surely it would be uncool,
To carry 'baggage' like a mule.

moving along

Work is tiring! It is hard, but I asked for it so I can't complain. Not even when I'm working with the caffeinated sluggish intentness of a truck driver on a highway at midnight. Stay alert stay alert keep going. But most importantly a sense of satisfaction permeates the layers of exhaustion, and this is because (a) the more I learn the more I know that I do not know, and (b) the more I work the more I bill.

Can one imagine what it is like to be a civil servant in the lower levels of echelonhood behind a cluttered desk in a dilapidated department reading newspapers till lunchtime? I have seen and experienced it with my own eyes. They feel and act as if the world needs them, and therefore the world can wait for them. They work for bosses instead of leaders. They work according to an order instead of a system. The difference is this: bosses tell you what to do, leaders tell you what to achieve. Bosses order you around, leaders give you a sense of direction. It makes a world (and nation) of difference. Everybody needs a good reason to do a good job.

Oh the bittersweetness of this country throws my mind into a turmoil of sorts, and my emotions torn between patriotism and apathy. But you will not hear or see me throwing columns of self-righteous criticism against the government. If I find a brainwave solution I shall act upon it. If I don't I shall shut up and keep making money.

Seperti apakah orang yang pandai bersyukur? Saya terpikat. Saya mendekat. Saya mencoba. Saya mengerti. Saya senang. Saya merasa sudah sepantasnya saya bersyukur. Tanpa bertanya mengapa. Seperti alang-alang yang tidak bertanya mengapa ia harus merunduk bila ditiup angin. Alang-alang yang liar tapi tidak bisa berpindah. Nrimo. Bersyukur. Bersyukur supaya selamat dunia dan akhirat. Bersyukur supaya berkah. Bersyukur supaya kaya dan punya keluarga bahagia dan mati tenang.

Mungkin saya tidak pandai bersyukur. Mungkin juga saya tidak betah tidak mencari.

serious grown-up stuff

Inevitably, there comes a time when more and more of your friends are getting married. It is announced, you are surprised. Your friend is as young as you feel you are. You give hearty congratulations, still unbelieving. And then you ask, “Are you sure?” Your friend says, “I’m sure. It’s time to move on in life.” And suddenly, just like that, your friend transforms into an adult you’ve never noticed before.

Women are… very women about marriage. Most of the women I talk to are either complaining that their biological clock is ticking, or complaining that married life is such a burden. It is exasperating. Women should be taught how to make up their minds. But before I start abusing my own gender (again), let’s look in the mirror for a minute. Darn, a pimple! But my hair looks perfect. Sorry, where were we? Ah yes. Marriage.

I am undecided about how I feel. So is my mother. She can say “girls shouldn’t date too long, it’s not good, it’s better to be married soon rather than have a prolonged dating game, but after marriage girls will have to limit themselves and their career to take care of the household.” That, in my view, is two completely different choices and the same sentiment. I couldn’t help but notice the tone of resignation, the lack of options, the choosing between two evils attitude.

I do not want to be an old spinster. But I do not want to limit my career. If I ever have children, I would want them to receive my full attention. But the career I am dreaming to achieve will require long working hours and higher education overseas. I wouldn’t feel complete if I wasn’t independent and confident about my achievements. Somewhere along the way I also wouldn’t feel complete if I didn’t have my own family.

Nobody has yet given me a satisfactory answer on how to balance the two. For the moment it is an impossible choice to make. Perhaps it is fortunate that I don’t need to make that choice just yet. But perhaps the sooner I figure it out the better.

don't be afraid to ask (smart) questions

Asked a question to my senior, who gave a very comprehensive and detailed answer. Was very pleased at the new knowledge I was acquiring. As I thanked her and turned to leave she said, kindly:

“Make sure you don’t ask that to the other seniors because they will wonder why you don’t know.”

If you know me at all, you will know that that gave my ego a huge purple bruise.

one hell of a solid advice

...came from a friend through email today as follows:

Teez :

"Quick, I need you to slap me in the head and tell me that my job is better than the previous one, even if I just threw away the chance to go with the President to IRAN , SOUTH AFRICA , and DUBAI."



Friend :

"














Straighten yourself up woman.. think of the slow bureaucrats and the perverted colleagues."

She's got a ticket to park

There is only one thing I hate more than the abundance of monogrammed Louis Vuitton bags (with cherry prints!) and that is the trend of Ladies Parking.

Bf and I were looking for a parking lot at one of the (very many) malls in J-town, with bf behind the wheel. He was about to maneuver into an empty lot with pink borderlines, when a parking attendant gestured warningly at us.

“You can’t park here sir, it’s for ladies only. But you can park here if you switch places and the lady drives.”

Wtf? I thought that was very discriminatory and gender-biased. Just because we ladies are bad drivers and great shoppers, it does not mean that special parking lots must be reserved in shopping malls to accommodate these negative traits. I hope it’s not the result of some far-fetched feminist movement, because, girls can be such drama queens about women’s rights sometimes and therefore dear mr. parking lot director, you have been effectively deceived.

But anyways, bf and I umm ... switched places :)

Update

No, tennis is not like riding a bike and yes, I totally suck at it.

But thankfully there was a personal trainer on guard and the office pays for the whole thing so, I can't really complain (but yes, I was rather embarrassed that *surprise!* i do not play like Sharapova).

Social Sport

A colleague casually invited me to play tennis sometime and I said, “Sure!’. This was, in retrospect, rather daft because the last time I played tennis was when I was 9. I’m hoping it’s like riding a bike (you know, once you can you never forget how?).

But I’ve always harboured visions of sporting with the business types. It rubs off as social networking and what not, but it’s also just purely making friends with the colleagues (who rock, by the way :)). And besides, it’s not golf.

I have sworn long ago that golf is not a sport. If you see me playing golf, you may assume it is because I have to. Golf is for grown-ups, and my inner child still wants to prance and frolic and chase balls and get down and dirty. My inner child also can’t afford the golf-clubs.

So excuse me while I uproot my tennis racket somewhere in the dungeons.

Be careful what you wish for.

Because, as was in line with my wish last week (when I was young and foolish), I pulled that all nighter at the office (all night being all day and then all night and then all morning till 9am).

But it was a SATURDAY NIGHT. Holy Crap.

Girls will be girls.

As a girl I am not immune to erratic behaviours of irrationality. Call it hormones or the time of the month or whatever, but certainly there are moments where I feel like I‘m losing it.

Only last week my bf went on a 6-day business trip to a remote province, given only 3 hours notice by his superiors. Obviously I was very surprised and disappointed because (i) that just killed my entire weekend, (ii) he won’t be able to make it to my birthday dinner, and (iii) 6 days is too long! What if I miss him? (Please excuse my lapses of cheesiness.)

What I wanted to do was to sulk and pout a bit and just generally be childish (when applied carefully, such reactions could pass as ‘endearing’, which works like a charm). But red neon lights spelling “irrational behaviour” immediately started blinking in my head, and so I quickly (and at some point, sincerely) told bf that it was a wonderful opportunity and a great show of trust from his superiors and good luck safe trip and etcetera.

An entire half-day went by without me hearing any more news from him. I start fiddling my phone. If I text him, he’d probably reply, but then I wouldn’t really know whether he actually misses me enough to sms me because then he’d only be replying to my message. But if I don’t text him and he doesn’t text me, then I wouldn’t really know what he’s up to and I would be thinking irrational assumptions all day. (Disclaimer: I do not neglect my work in order to think these thoughts. Most girls are multi-taskers in that sense). So I text him and he texts me back to say he’s in a meeting and he’ll update me later. “Obviously”, I fumed to myself. I knew all along that was the case.

Later on I met a girlfriend who said “God I hate it when guys say they’re in a meeting! It just stalls my emotions!” I quietly thought to myself, I do not want to be the girl who is pissed at having her emotions stalled over a meeting. I am rational. I am understanding. I am in control. I have work to do. I am just as busy. I probably even treat him the same way. Breathe in, breathe out.

Last night bf told me that his stay might be extended for two more days. I said, “Are you fucking kidding me??” Wait, no, that was my hormonal head. What I really said, somewhat meekly, was, “Is there good laundry service? Do you have enough clothes?” I know, I know, that was pretty lame. But one must maintain sanity at all times.

Excited.

I can’t help it. I’ve been given my very own office-room (please compare to previous office of littered communal desks), with a view (please compare to previous office with no windows or sunlight in sight), with a salary transferred to my bank account! (please compare to monthly white envelopes). Yay!

So yes, I could get used to this place. Especially after I bring in a persian rug, a few framed art pieces, and my toothbrush. Toothbrush? Yes, the employee’s manual (bound in a siren-red binder and handed to me on my first day) says that since we’ll probably be staying late we might as well bring personal hygiene amenities and spare clothes just in case. I’m not kidding.

Funnily enough, I can’t wait to pull my first all-nighter at the office. And when that happens I'll probably start proudly complaining about it (don't you just hate people who do that? Like, duh, get a life.) I guess every time I start something new, I fall off the peak of a mountain which I worked hard to get to the top of. And then I suddenly find myself at the foot again, of a different mountain with unfamiliar terrains and unfamiliar faces who look suspiciously at newcomers. It’s always like that every time and I can’t wait to start climbing. But this one feels like a particularly big mountain and a particularly long journey. I need to keep reminding myself that impatience is not going to make it easier.

--------------------------------------------

PS: horror of horrors, I can’t access my blogger dashboard from the office. Nor my friendster, facebook, yahoo, and everything else that’s important in my life! (except google. If they take away google, I'd die.) Oh how I miss my previous office. Blogability was so much easier back then :-(

The 2008 Contemplation Post: When it Rains, it Pours

A bit late, I know. But sometimes a New Year’s significance doesn’t hit you until a little later (quite possibly because of the hangovers, but also because the lazy brain wants to go on holiday too). In retrospect several things happened prior and post 01-01-08, which either changed or cemented my perspective on the road ahead.

- I came close to losing someone very important in my life, because of a stupid mistake on my part. You know the saying “you don’t know what you have until you lose it”? Well, I would add that you don’t fully know what you need to hold on to until you almost lose it.

- A dear friend has ordered me a renowned and beautiful version of the english-translated Quran, with a message to “read it daily, bit by bit”. It’s not the first time I’ve resolved to be more religious, but I’m always hoping it will get easier as time and maturity steps in.

- I decided to choose one over three other interesting job offers with different professions. This was difficult because, let’s face it, I am still that greedy pig and I want to be everything. Well, pig got sent to the butcher and came back with a career.

- I’ve had a turbulent year with quite significant falls. But I’ve decided that there really is nothing that wasn’t meant to be.

- I’ve learnt not to expect that things will come in mediocre form. Every blow is going to be hard, every success a bliss followed by another bliss. Apparently that’s what makes life interesting: the fact that things pour on you instead of just trickle boringly.

Holiday Blues

After the head-spinning delight of embracing my one-month holiday (squeee!) has worn off, here comes the inevitable question: Now What?

I sometimes find it unfortunate that I was never one to stay dormant for very long. Sure, there is the Christmas Eve party invitation and the New Year’s holiday in Bali (please read with a squeal of delight), but that only amounts to 7 days out of 30, which leaves me with 23 schedule-less, plan-less days. Infinite possiblities, but still, one must start making plans. Some of my random ideas while I was busy doing nothing for 6 solid hours today:

1. Do a culinary tour of Central Java.

2. Exercise everyday and get that perfect butt already (facing tough competition from No.1 above).

3. Finish reading all unread books on my shelf.

4. Teach English pro bono for underprivileged kids at the local mosque.

5. Read materials for my upcoming new job.

6. Write a complete memoir of my days at the palace.

7. Become a couch potato every Monday, just because I can.

I have always been good at planning. Whether I will wake up the next morning and immediately act upon any sort of plan is an entirely different matter. Oh and by the way, if I owe anyone lunch or dinner or a casual get together, now is a good time to remind me :)

Last Day

Today I finish working at the palace, and as I ride home for the last time my mind starts to reel back, sporadically. Outstanding moments flash up collectively like yellow highlights on a white page. Mixtures of different feelings welled up, a cocktail of sorts with the ingredients shaken together in a steel tumbler, confusingly. How did I get here? Gratitude, flattery, awe, confusion, and disappointment. They contradict, and they don’t care.

But! Ah, but the aftertaste is unmistakably singular. I could pinpoint it with the precision of a connoiseur. Because after everything else and more than anything else, I feel overwhelmingly lucky. Lucky to be part of it, lucky to be out of it. Lucky to have stepped out with flying colours. Lucky to have choices.

Then again, I don’t believe in luck.

The whole climate change shebang

Having experienced the Bali Climate Change Conference first hand for almost two weeks, I am quite at loss as to exactly which aspect of it I should immortalize in words. I am innocently awed by the magnitude of stakeholders. All these 10,000 participants are busy doing something for climate change? That can’t be right, methinks. I sit in a corner and watch colourful people go by. I’ve never seen such variety since I was last did the UN building tour, and I couldn’t help but feel a tingle of excitement. My subsequent thoughts, apart from those related to my work of course, can be eloquently summarized in the following:

- Quick! Get the free merchandise.

- I hate Caucasian legs. It is not true that human beings were created equal.

- Ooh, I need to take pictures with the people dressed as polar bears!

- Omigod. That was Al Gore.

Apart from that, y’all can read in the newspapers. I’ll just leave you with a few handy tips on how to mitigate climate change. Yes, you can do it from your own backyard! I’m kidding. Don’t worry, I won’t pain you with the change-your-lightbulbs-and-walk-to-the-office routine you’ve heard too much of already. One of the leaflets did catch my eye though and I thought this would be useful and painless to share:

Eco-Driving: save fuel and save the climate!

Rule No. 1: Drive smoothly at a constant speed

Rule No. 2: Shift gears quickly to higher possible gear

Rule No. 3: Maintain high gear and low engine RPM (2500 RPM max)

Rule No. 4: Coast a lot

Rule No. 5: Decelerate smoothly

Rule No. 6: Avoid breaking abruptly

Rule No. 7: Aniticipate the traffic, look as far ahead as possible

Good luck implementing that in Jakarta.

Silence.

It is frightening how silence hurts more than words. Even if I closed my ears I still couldn’t shut out the lack of noise. I am scared beyond measure and nauseous.