Incentivity Complex

When I worked for the government, a lot of people would call in and I would say “how can I help you?” because I was educated to be helpful. Even if the job randomly entailed disgraceful things like drafting somebody’s recommendation letter for their school applications for my boss to sign. I liked to think that if we were helpful to others, our office would gain good reputation for being professional, which is an image the government could use more of. Then again whenever I needed help all I needed to say were the six magic words, “Hi this is the President’s office”, and the person on the other end of the phone line would be pleasantly obliging.

So that was then. Now, early on in my current job I called up a government department to ask clarification on a particular license procedure. The officer said:

“Which company is this?”
“Oh I’m a consultant ma’am, we are representing a client”
“Oh I see. Well it’s like this. I thought smart consultants should already know these things. Besides, you’re the one who gets paid in dollars, right? I should be getting some of those dollars for answering your question, right?”

I ignored this.

I said, “Well ma’am you see, the regulations are not very clear on this issue. It would be good if we could know how it is actually practiced in the ministry, or if you could point me to a specific regulation I may have missed.”

She said, “It’s all in the regulations, you can read it yourself.”

She practically rendered me speechless in disgust. Being an underpaid civil servant is hardly a justification for being unprofessional. To be fair some government institutions are very helpful and professional, such as the Capital Investment Supervisory Body and the tax directorate at the Ministry of Finance.

Steven D. Levitt, author of Freakonomics emphasized how any particular societal behaviour is fueled by a particular pin-pointable incentive. I wonder what could be the incentive for a professionalist culture? Remember those boring catchphrases they used to teach us in elementary school during the Old Order regime? “Let us develop a society that is flourishing with hard-working, money-saving people, who do not glorify short-cut methods of achieving goals.”

Well apparently the catchphrases didn’t work. In retrospect, I think what I should have told her was “Look, I happen to know your minister. Would you prefer I ask her instead?”

Mosaics.

"I want to live each day for itself like a string of coloured beads, and not kill the present by cutting it up in cruel little snippets to fit some desperate architectural draft for a taj mahal in the future."

Meet Sylvia Plath, who has been my muse since high school.

In times of need I pick up Sylvia Plath, for she would have an uncanny description of what I am going through that I had previously not realized I was going through. She casts a glittery pin on the translucent shifting object in the grey peripheries of my subconscious, and suddenly makes it visible. Though we perhaps differ in that she is depressed, whereas I am optimistically struggling.

My future taj mahal is in architectural limbo land. Perhaps I see a few turrets, a fragment of a window, but not a form in its entirety. I have not decided upon a colour, a shape, or a texture. My fancies flicker from one design to another. At times I see a uniform pattern, at other times I am not so sure.

But oh, I am so good at present moments and short term glories. The question is, will they add up or will they be just a string of mismatched coloured beads in a row?

The showers.

Saturday night at the gym locker-room finds you at a place filled with half-naked women dressing up for a night out. You look around (discreetly, from behind the half-wet hair that you are blowing dry) and wonder whether these girls have any more fat to lose on the treadmill. There was a girl with a bikini-bod strutting out of the shower actually looking happy. Couldn’t blame her, with that body she damn well should be happy. There was a girl squatting while she fumbled with her locker which reminded me of a scene from Striptease. There are rows of compact butts stuck out as their owner’s bend towards the mirror for last minute touch-ups. Other girls, thankfully, are kind enough (or embarrassed enough?) to cover up nicely with a towel.

It was in this fashion I discovered that the gym locker-room, instead of the gym itself, is perhaps what truly motivates you to lose that fat.

Sunday Night

We sat on the cozy wooden chairs on my terrace in the dark, holding cups of steaming black coffee. He needed the caffeine for the drive home from my place. The plants were breathing and a little breeze was playing with them. Sometimes we would talk, and sometimes we would stay silent, just savoring the absence of a necessity to move.

Tomorrow would be another Monday. The start of a week’s worth of occasional 5-minute phone calls and perhaps intermittent emails. A week’s worth of ambition. But on the weekend he watched my entire volley game and I loved that. And we did a bit of shopping at the Ranch Market and I loved that. And I drove his car while he slept in the passenger seat out of exhaustion, and I loved that.

So finally we come to this short little moment on my terrace, stretching out our legs.

“This is great coffee”, he said with a hint of surprise.

“Thanks! … … … Okay, alright, my mum made it”, I confess.

“Yeah… no wonder”, he replied slyly.


And I loved that too.

Finally Blonde

The least thing I would expect out of my career is this: I would be a cheerleader.

You see, the annual lawyer’s tournament is coming up and I will be competing in the volleyball, basketball, and futsal games. The depth of our dedication is worthy of medals (or similar bling, or a pay raise…), because every single week now there is always some sort of practice or friendly warm-up match with other firms, which involves sneaking out at 7 pm and, when unlucky, trudging back in to work at 10 pm.

I am all too happy to comply. The thought of a sedentary life frightens me pitifully, and chasing balls? I love chasing balls. Yesterday I chased down a volley ball like life depended on it. My team mate was busy guarding the net, she hadn’t seen the ball flying short of her back, and it was too late to warn her. It was too far and too late to run. I lunged over with my outstretched arm and minimum hope. I slipped my wrist beneath the ball, inches from the sand, swung my arm upwards and spun my body sideways to minimize impact. Sand was flying in all directions as I hit the ground and I felt the ball move too far sideways. I forced myself back on my feet, blinking the sand out of my eyes, and saw my teammate save the ball. It swung beautifully over the net, missing it by mere milimeters. The team scored and cheers surged in a sudden single chorus. I felt incredible!

*Pause*

I’m digressing. What has this got to do with cheerleading, you ask? Well, apparently there’s also a cheerleading tournament for the opening, and guess what? Yours truly gets to cheerlead.

Wearing tights.

And pom-poms.

And be lifted by the guys in the closing act. Because, the choreographer said, I’m the right size. I almost cried. I’m finally blonde! (at least for approx. 10 minutes).

Weekend

On Friday night after work I hung out with my friends at De Hooi, a pub down in Pondok Indah which I only just discovered. We sat on high little stools at a high little table while the waitress, cleavaged and mascara-ed, took our orders. In a small corner the DJ was churning out some really good progressive tunes, and the other customers were casual and unpretentious. Without needing to look my best or be visually assaulted by big-haired and blinged ladies-who-lunch (and dine), the focus was on our merry little group. We talked of scandals and future plans and gossip and nothing which connected with anything. I had entirely too much beer.

On Saturday night I went out with bf and together we went to Daiso, a Japanese thrift store in the middle of one the ugliest malls in Jakarta: Mall Artha Gading. We ignored everything else and made a straight beeline for the store, in conquest of a certain item: the prosperity cat. The Chinese have waving ones with cheap glittery-gold skin. The Japanese have pretty porcelain ones in different colours, but their paws can’t wave. We argued for a good half hour about whether it is absolutely crucial for their paws to wave at all. Fortunately, our arguments were drowned out by the storekeepers incessantly yelling at the top of their lungs: “IRASHAIMASE!! ONE PRICE KUDASAI!! 20.000 RUPIAH DES!!” Bf ended up buying a tie-rack. I ended up trying hard to come up with a reason to buy a vintage-ish Japanese gasoline can. Sadly, I couldn’t come up with any. We are still in conquest of a porcelain cat that can wave.

On Sunday morning I had breakfast with my brother at Bread ‘n Breakfast, an American Diner at Kemang. We went all the way down South from the North, because when a sandwich crave hits, it hits us really hard. The place was light and airy and the sandwiches (okay, we also had a burger… and a lot of potato wedges) were very decent. We spent the morning reading the available magazines (Harper’s Bazaar), and I discovered that: (1) My cousin’s girlfriend is a socialite, (2) My former junior in high school is now a beauty reporter for Bazaar, and (3) My ex-boss’ ex-wife is a Jean-Paul-Gaultier-launch-party-attending fashionista. I said to my bro:

“Omigod. I know (people who know) like a dozen people in here. That means I’m only two steps away from making it to the glossy pages.”

My brother solemnly nodded and said he was happy for me.

On Sunday afternoon I woke up after a long afternoon nap. I thought how, at this point, how perfectly balanced my life is. The thing is, that thought only comes on the weekends :(

Pause.

I can find no solace tonight
From the demons under my bed at night
I watch myself as I unwind
Outside myself I watch my mind

Will it be possible to sleep tonight?
Those demons noisy in a fight
I know I must be losing mind
Seeing myself turn slowly blind

Through sparks and shining dragons tonight
As I lie in bed with my head in tights
Turning cogs and screws of the kind
That make me hope that I can find

The answer to this mess tonight.
Before the sun starts shining bright.
Before I leave this all behind.
Before my youth I cannot find.

My Daily Struggle

I fear, I must confess,
I must get this off my chest,
For I have been the biggest fool,
When it comes to glorious food.

Noodles and burgers I think are the best,
Sushi and pasta I constantly quest,
Barbequed fish always makes me drool,
What’s worse, I’m always in the eating mood!

But the client pays, shouldn’t I care less?
I deserve to indulge, indeed, oh yes.
With all the work that I accrue,
A tasty meal would surely do?

This is indeed the ultimate test,
To stand my guard, to not digress,
For surely it would be uncool,
To carry 'baggage' like a mule.

moving along

Work is tiring! It is hard, but I asked for it so I can't complain. Not even when I'm working with the caffeinated sluggish intentness of a truck driver on a highway at midnight. Stay alert stay alert keep going. But most importantly a sense of satisfaction permeates the layers of exhaustion, and this is because (a) the more I learn the more I know that I do not know, and (b) the more I work the more I bill.

Can one imagine what it is like to be a civil servant in the lower levels of echelonhood behind a cluttered desk in a dilapidated department reading newspapers till lunchtime? I have seen and experienced it with my own eyes. They feel and act as if the world needs them, and therefore the world can wait for them. They work for bosses instead of leaders. They work according to an order instead of a system. The difference is this: bosses tell you what to do, leaders tell you what to achieve. Bosses order you around, leaders give you a sense of direction. It makes a world (and nation) of difference. Everybody needs a good reason to do a good job.

Oh the bittersweetness of this country throws my mind into a turmoil of sorts, and my emotions torn between patriotism and apathy. But you will not hear or see me throwing columns of self-righteous criticism against the government. If I find a brainwave solution I shall act upon it. If I don't I shall shut up and keep making money.

Seperti apakah orang yang pandai bersyukur? Saya terpikat. Saya mendekat. Saya mencoba. Saya mengerti. Saya senang. Saya merasa sudah sepantasnya saya bersyukur. Tanpa bertanya mengapa. Seperti alang-alang yang tidak bertanya mengapa ia harus merunduk bila ditiup angin. Alang-alang yang liar tapi tidak bisa berpindah. Nrimo. Bersyukur. Bersyukur supaya selamat dunia dan akhirat. Bersyukur supaya berkah. Bersyukur supaya kaya dan punya keluarga bahagia dan mati tenang.

Mungkin saya tidak pandai bersyukur. Mungkin juga saya tidak betah tidak mencari.

serious grown-up stuff

Inevitably, there comes a time when more and more of your friends are getting married. It is announced, you are surprised. Your friend is as young as you feel you are. You give hearty congratulations, still unbelieving. And then you ask, “Are you sure?” Your friend says, “I’m sure. It’s time to move on in life.” And suddenly, just like that, your friend transforms into an adult you’ve never noticed before.

Women are… very women about marriage. Most of the women I talk to are either complaining that their biological clock is ticking, or complaining that married life is such a burden. It is exasperating. Women should be taught how to make up their minds. But before I start abusing my own gender (again), let’s look in the mirror for a minute. Darn, a pimple! But my hair looks perfect. Sorry, where were we? Ah yes. Marriage.

I am undecided about how I feel. So is my mother. She can say “girls shouldn’t date too long, it’s not good, it’s better to be married soon rather than have a prolonged dating game, but after marriage girls will have to limit themselves and their career to take care of the household.” That, in my view, is two completely different choices and the same sentiment. I couldn’t help but notice the tone of resignation, the lack of options, the choosing between two evils attitude.

I do not want to be an old spinster. But I do not want to limit my career. If I ever have children, I would want them to receive my full attention. But the career I am dreaming to achieve will require long working hours and higher education overseas. I wouldn’t feel complete if I wasn’t independent and confident about my achievements. Somewhere along the way I also wouldn’t feel complete if I didn’t have my own family.

Nobody has yet given me a satisfactory answer on how to balance the two. For the moment it is an impossible choice to make. Perhaps it is fortunate that I don’t need to make that choice just yet. But perhaps the sooner I figure it out the better.

don't be afraid to ask (smart) questions

Asked a question to my senior, who gave a very comprehensive and detailed answer. Was very pleased at the new knowledge I was acquiring. As I thanked her and turned to leave she said, kindly:

“Make sure you don’t ask that to the other seniors because they will wonder why you don’t know.”

If you know me at all, you will know that that gave my ego a huge purple bruise.

one hell of a solid advice

...came from a friend through email today as follows:

Teez :

"Quick, I need you to slap me in the head and tell me that my job is better than the previous one, even if I just threw away the chance to go with the President to IRAN , SOUTH AFRICA , and DUBAI."



Friend :

"














Straighten yourself up woman.. think of the slow bureaucrats and the perverted colleagues."

She's got a ticket to park

There is only one thing I hate more than the abundance of monogrammed Louis Vuitton bags (with cherry prints!) and that is the trend of Ladies Parking.

Bf and I were looking for a parking lot at one of the (very many) malls in J-town, with bf behind the wheel. He was about to maneuver into an empty lot with pink borderlines, when a parking attendant gestured warningly at us.

“You can’t park here sir, it’s for ladies only. But you can park here if you switch places and the lady drives.”

Wtf? I thought that was very discriminatory and gender-biased. Just because we ladies are bad drivers and great shoppers, it does not mean that special parking lots must be reserved in shopping malls to accommodate these negative traits. I hope it’s not the result of some far-fetched feminist movement, because, girls can be such drama queens about women’s rights sometimes and therefore dear mr. parking lot director, you have been effectively deceived.

But anyways, bf and I umm ... switched places :)

Update

No, tennis is not like riding a bike and yes, I totally suck at it.

But thankfully there was a personal trainer on guard and the office pays for the whole thing so, I can't really complain (but yes, I was rather embarrassed that *surprise!* i do not play like Sharapova).

Social Sport

A colleague casually invited me to play tennis sometime and I said, “Sure!’. This was, in retrospect, rather daft because the last time I played tennis was when I was 9. I’m hoping it’s like riding a bike (you know, once you can you never forget how?).

But I’ve always harboured visions of sporting with the business types. It rubs off as social networking and what not, but it’s also just purely making friends with the colleagues (who rock, by the way :)). And besides, it’s not golf.

I have sworn long ago that golf is not a sport. If you see me playing golf, you may assume it is because I have to. Golf is for grown-ups, and my inner child still wants to prance and frolic and chase balls and get down and dirty. My inner child also can’t afford the golf-clubs.

So excuse me while I uproot my tennis racket somewhere in the dungeons.

Be careful what you wish for.

Because, as was in line with my wish last week (when I was young and foolish), I pulled that all nighter at the office (all night being all day and then all night and then all morning till 9am).

But it was a SATURDAY NIGHT. Holy Crap.

Girls will be girls.

As a girl I am not immune to erratic behaviours of irrationality. Call it hormones or the time of the month or whatever, but certainly there are moments where I feel like I‘m losing it.

Only last week my bf went on a 6-day business trip to a remote province, given only 3 hours notice by his superiors. Obviously I was very surprised and disappointed because (i) that just killed my entire weekend, (ii) he won’t be able to make it to my birthday dinner, and (iii) 6 days is too long! What if I miss him? (Please excuse my lapses of cheesiness.)

What I wanted to do was to sulk and pout a bit and just generally be childish (when applied carefully, such reactions could pass as ‘endearing’, which works like a charm). But red neon lights spelling “irrational behaviour” immediately started blinking in my head, and so I quickly (and at some point, sincerely) told bf that it was a wonderful opportunity and a great show of trust from his superiors and good luck safe trip and etcetera.

An entire half-day went by without me hearing any more news from him. I start fiddling my phone. If I text him, he’d probably reply, but then I wouldn’t really know whether he actually misses me enough to sms me because then he’d only be replying to my message. But if I don’t text him and he doesn’t text me, then I wouldn’t really know what he’s up to and I would be thinking irrational assumptions all day. (Disclaimer: I do not neglect my work in order to think these thoughts. Most girls are multi-taskers in that sense). So I text him and he texts me back to say he’s in a meeting and he’ll update me later. “Obviously”, I fumed to myself. I knew all along that was the case.

Later on I met a girlfriend who said “God I hate it when guys say they’re in a meeting! It just stalls my emotions!” I quietly thought to myself, I do not want to be the girl who is pissed at having her emotions stalled over a meeting. I am rational. I am understanding. I am in control. I have work to do. I am just as busy. I probably even treat him the same way. Breathe in, breathe out.

Last night bf told me that his stay might be extended for two more days. I said, “Are you fucking kidding me??” Wait, no, that was my hormonal head. What I really said, somewhat meekly, was, “Is there good laundry service? Do you have enough clothes?” I know, I know, that was pretty lame. But one must maintain sanity at all times.

Excited.

I can’t help it. I’ve been given my very own office-room (please compare to previous office of littered communal desks), with a view (please compare to previous office with no windows or sunlight in sight), with a salary transferred to my bank account! (please compare to monthly white envelopes). Yay!

So yes, I could get used to this place. Especially after I bring in a persian rug, a few framed art pieces, and my toothbrush. Toothbrush? Yes, the employee’s manual (bound in a siren-red binder and handed to me on my first day) says that since we’ll probably be staying late we might as well bring personal hygiene amenities and spare clothes just in case. I’m not kidding.

Funnily enough, I can’t wait to pull my first all-nighter at the office. And when that happens I'll probably start proudly complaining about it (don't you just hate people who do that? Like, duh, get a life.) I guess every time I start something new, I fall off the peak of a mountain which I worked hard to get to the top of. And then I suddenly find myself at the foot again, of a different mountain with unfamiliar terrains and unfamiliar faces who look suspiciously at newcomers. It’s always like that every time and I can’t wait to start climbing. But this one feels like a particularly big mountain and a particularly long journey. I need to keep reminding myself that impatience is not going to make it easier.

--------------------------------------------

PS: horror of horrors, I can’t access my blogger dashboard from the office. Nor my friendster, facebook, yahoo, and everything else that’s important in my life! (except google. If they take away google, I'd die.) Oh how I miss my previous office. Blogability was so much easier back then :-(

The 2008 Contemplation Post: When it Rains, it Pours

A bit late, I know. But sometimes a New Year’s significance doesn’t hit you until a little later (quite possibly because of the hangovers, but also because the lazy brain wants to go on holiday too). In retrospect several things happened prior and post 01-01-08, which either changed or cemented my perspective on the road ahead.

- I came close to losing someone very important in my life, because of a stupid mistake on my part. You know the saying “you don’t know what you have until you lose it”? Well, I would add that you don’t fully know what you need to hold on to until you almost lose it.

- A dear friend has ordered me a renowned and beautiful version of the english-translated Quran, with a message to “read it daily, bit by bit”. It’s not the first time I’ve resolved to be more religious, but I’m always hoping it will get easier as time and maturity steps in.

- I decided to choose one over three other interesting job offers with different professions. This was difficult because, let’s face it, I am still that greedy pig and I want to be everything. Well, pig got sent to the butcher and came back with a career.

- I’ve had a turbulent year with quite significant falls. But I’ve decided that there really is nothing that wasn’t meant to be.

- I’ve learnt not to expect that things will come in mediocre form. Every blow is going to be hard, every success a bliss followed by another bliss. Apparently that’s what makes life interesting: the fact that things pour on you instead of just trickle boringly.