Flirt.

I remember a time ages and ages ago… when a friend told me I was a “pathological flirt”. This basically means that, by nature I am flirty without even realizing or intending to be. At the time I was extremely surprised.

Another impression that I’ve been told people have of me is that, I look bitchy and unfriendly. I blame this on genetics: I possess a square jaw that makes me look like Pocahontas. People probably get the impression I shoot arrows and fight for minority rights as a favorite pastime.

Both these impressions have gotten me into trouble one way or another, and have been quite a significant source of confusion for me. Some people get intimidated, other people think I’m coming on to them. If I make effort to become friendlier, I risk being perceived as flirty. If I make effort to guard my distance, I risk being perceived as cold and unfriendly.

How on earth do I reconcile the two?

Spot resemblance?

I serve a public funktion.

One of the first autodidact lessons learnt at my office is to smile at people. Of course this is a general social-skill rule, but here it is promoted to a higher, more significant level. It is a professional code of conduct, a survival kit. Indeed my colleague, esteemed and popular around here, goes so far as to shake hands with everybody he meets. This confused me for a bit. I was wondering why he was shaking hands with people he met almost every day. But people dig it. So it was cool.

I taught myself a fairly acceptable default smile. I stayed off the handshakes.

The second lesson: being fashionable is not recommended. Nothing sexy, catchy, or expensive. There is far too great a risk of uniformed civil servants eyeing your outfit with envy. My other colleague thinks of it differently. He says “this shit-hole doesn’t deserve my Zara shoes”. But I think at least I deserve my nice heels. (That’s the difference I guess between men and women. But let’s not go there). So I keep my heels and keep an ugly pair of flats under my desk, just in case.

And so I live my days. Now wavering completely off topic, suddenly today I get a text message from a colleague in my previous office, the consulting firm. It goes like this:

“... Paaahty peeps listen up… do u ever get tired of the same old songs? Do you get a sick feeling when u hear a luv generation for the gazillionth time? Well here’s the deal: we’re changing things up this weekend. The event is ‘FUNKTION’ @PUBLIC this Saturday the 26^th. DANCEFLO productions be bringin u 100% funk music, with yo funkay ass DJs Mikey and David J. Dresscode is –‘my fine-ass self’. Bring the gud vibes, and share in one of J-town’s few attempts to bring sumthing fresh to the table. Support the music, get ur drink on, and most importantly… get funkd up. C u on the danceflo …”

Oh how I miss my previous office.

Syukur Tafakur.

never mind
it's only in my mind
i'll procrastinate awhile
and hopefully survive

i hate my self-absorption
it's way out of proportion:
overlapping waves of green
envy has an ugly sheen

but never mind
it's only in my mind
i'll unclench my fist, unwind
i will be grateful and kind

Of women and hype.

I’ve never told this story before.

I’m not a feminist.
I friend of mine said, “Really? Why?”
“I don’t need to be,” I said. He laughed and said that was such a feminist answer.

The truth is, as far as I can remember, my greatest annoyances have always been female. The male gender disappoint in that they break your heart or naively say you look fatter. I can deal with that.
Females, on the other hand, can be truly damaging. They can be really nice. Then, behind your back, they can decide to dislike you for a particular obscure reason. Then they can point the fact out to female companions with a bit of exaggeration, garner public opinion to support her view, and suddenly create an army of people who will scrutinize this once unperceived element and decide to dislike you as a whole. It’s just like politics. The consequence of this is that the victim, whether or not it was fair that she was a victim, will feel outnumbered and marginalized. The victim, whether or not she truly has a serious defect of character, will wonder whether she has a serious defect of character. I’ve met tons of these women throughout my life. It’s unfair and it seems as if they have nothing better to do. It’s amazing that their lack of confidence can be manipulated so as to make the rival feel unconfident also.

This is an accumulated disappointment that I’ve never expressed before. This involves my seniors in high school who told me to “change my face” because they didn’t like it. This involves years and years of trying to fit in with the groupie vivacious girls because they were so popular. This involves a lifetime of putting up with a culture where it’s best to hide your skills to avoid envy and to ‘blend’. This involves a woman 10 years older than me who I used to look up to, hysterically chastising me because I treated her like an equal.

As a result, the percentage of men I trusted was always bigger than the women. I always felt more confident that they’d be pretty cool with the things I do or say, and felt more comfortable about giving them logical advice if they asked for it. If they disliked me I always got to know why. Men are pretty reasonable.

* picture taken from www.lomography.com