I’m very grateful to have excellent parents who taught me most of the things necessary to survive in life. One of which is eating skills. And there is nothing like encountering a Person with a severe lack of eating skills to enhance my gratitude.
The only background fact that I would disclose about said Person, which I deem necessary only to provide proper context to this story, is that I am required to dine frequently with this Person. I have never in my life felt particularly finicky about table manners, until I met him. Person would eat by holding his fork and spoon in his fist instead of his fingers. This causes his elbows to stick out on either side of him, such that a dinner companion would have to stay clear in order not to be elbowed in the middle of main course. He then proceeds to munch noisily, the noise of which is formed by the failure of the mouth to close during the act of munching, and therefore sounds exactly like teeth scraping spoon and tongue touching roof of mouth repetitively. Said Person also has the tendency to be beset by sudden inspiration during eating, in which case he would commence in stating said inspiration regardless of the food still being processed in his mouth. I was unfortunate enough to have been looking precisely at him when one of these occasions suddenly occurred, and inevitably caught a glimpse of different colored half-processed bits sticking to the front of his teeth. “Dear God, please make him drink”, I prayed silently (with eyes closed) when I saw this, and sure enough moments later, in the middle of munching, he picked up his glass and drank with a loud slurp which made me wince in my seat.
Now the dilemma comes when I think of what actions are within my powers to save myself from this uncomfortable situation. Practically, none that I can think of. He is a grown man, and I simply cannot tell a grown man how to eat. So I have resorted to fully concentrating on my plate while eating, and spilling my beans to you.
