Clean Breaks.

There’s a part of last year that I miss. I won’t pinpoint specific things, but as a hint last year I was younger than this year. It is so tempting to yield according to wherever the wind blows. Being “twenty-something”, this would mean yielding to uncertainties and emotion, insecurities and ego, dreams and doubt. Being afraid of staying young and afraid of growing up. Being happy with achievements but afraid people will expect too much from you. Being happy with future plans but afraid they won’t come true. Being more eager to think about others, but afraid you haven’t sorted out your own self yet. Being in a transition from being cared for by parents to having to care for your parents. Being happy with comfort zones but knowing you have to get out of it sooner or later. There just isn’t enough room to accommodate all the conflicting emotions, let alone comprehend.

I wonder if there are clean breaks from the way I was last year.

I’m hoping the answer lies dormant like an expressionist painting, a tangle of meaningless brush-strokes when viewed up close, but crystal clear when you look from a distance. I’m hoping that if viewers take a step back and look at the big picture, they’ll find that there’s no need for me to worry and I’m already doing all the right things and I will get there eventually if I put my heart to it. Get where? Get to a place where I will prioritize the right things, the right people, and be of use to others in need. And that would mean learning not to yield.

a healthy dose of optimism

Went to the Modernisator’s seminar yesterday about the new global economy post-G20 Summit, and were enlightened by the speakers of that forum as to the following facts:

1. Indonesia is no longer a 3rd world country. We are acknowledged as one of the 20 most significant economies of the world. So if someone says Indonesia is a 3rd world country, you can say “Haha. What age do you live in?”
2. Indonesia’s rise from the ‘97-‘98 monetary crisis is a globally acknowledged success story which today’s crisis-ridden economies would like to learn from.
3. Whereas traditionally Asian countries have been exporters and the west has been the consumer, we could be experiencing a shift where the west will be the exporters and we will be the consumers.

Went out of the seminar feeling a little jolly and optimistic, and thought a little celebration would be appropriate to close off the evening. So we headed off to the aptly named Social House, which on a Tuesday night was busy and packed with an unpretentious crowd and felt very 1st world.

“To the 1st world”, said the bf, raising his glass.
“To consumerism”, said I, raising mine.

And then we had a good laugh at how silly we were. In my heart though, I felt a growing passion to become a part of the energy driving Indonesia forward.

tomorrow morning.

For the third time in a week, I dreamt I was shampooing my hair.

There is no need to procure in-depth Freudian psycho-analysis to glean what this could possibly mean. I am supposed to get out of bed and shower, and my body resolutely refuses to do so. Perhaps trying to be funny, my body instead cheats my brain into thinking that I am already in the shower. I eventually wake up drowsily feeling for my hair and discovering with a shock that it is still dry, tangled, and on the pillow. The message my body is sending is profoundly simple: “Sleep, bitch.”

With all my heart and soul I wish I could comply with nature’s call. But for some reason everything always needs to be done by tomorrow morning. Why must everything always be done by tomorrow morning? Tomorrow morning became an ominous large looming shadow over my head which compelled me to bring documents everywhere I went on the weekend (not that I actually read them). Tomorrow morning gave me unforgiving shampoo dreams. Tomorrow morning is relentless and cruel to humanity.

As a pre-emptive strike, if I may borrow battle-zone terminologies to emphasize the nature of the situation, yesterday I took the initiative to propose my own timing to The Powers That Be. All brisk and business-like, I put on a confident tone and said “Great! I’ll have this done before noon tomorrow!” In reply The Powers That Be said, “How about 10 in the morning?”

Teez the great defiant warrior princess replied:

“Um, okay.”